Blogs - Challenger Blog
Finding my place
I’d call the life I’ve lived an independent one. Even when I was in elementary school and had lots of friends and lots to do, I never needed anyone else if I couldn’t have them. I could play on playgrounds alone, watch movies alone and do class projects intended for two people alone. Even around my friends I sometimes preferred that.
As life went on, I got into middle school and most of my friends ended up moving away. I still had friends, but no one who got me and understood me like the people I knew before. I tried not to let it bother me too much. After all I could still do everything I’d done before. I hadn’t needed my friends before that and I could fend for myself then too.
Then came my years of getting bullied. I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember and true to those stories from elementary school, I got picked on for it. What’s more, with preferring solitude to being around the people who weren’t quite good friends, I was assaulted with all kinds of other junk. That I had no friends, that I was gay and that I was just insane. No one should have to put up with that stuff.
My first year of high school wasn’t much better. I was going through the motions every single day. I just kept telling myself, “sooner or later, things are going to get better.” So I just waited.
This last year though, my life turned around completely.
I was asked to the school homecoming dance by a very cute girl I’d been developing a friendship with and soon we started going out. She invited me into her circle of friends. From watching her spend time with them, along with spending time with them and her myself, I began to see what it means to be a friend to someone.
If I was sad or defeated before, I just curled up and cried and cried. My only condolence was from my dog, Sadie. I never talked to anyone about what was wrong with my life. Now I felt surrounded by people who would listen to me if I went to them and realized a lot of them had been around me all along.
She inspired me so much. Before I knew it, I was looking through my mom’s old address books and searching for all the old friends from preschool and elementary school, and we were talking again, years later.
Later still I ended up hosting two cast parties after school plays. I didn’t feel like it was just the cast and crew, who were hanging around my house and they were friends, dozens of friends and people who I was sharing my life with. It was an extraordinary feeling.
I was finally done waiting for my life to get better, now it was just too amazing. Every day feels like it’s worth feeling in its entirety, surrounded by all the friends I had all along.
I still believe independence is a very important thing, but I also now see that it doesn’t have to be how I live and I don’t need to be all alone. There was someone there for me, a girl who would pick me back up whenever my spirit feel and tell me I mattered to someone when no one else could make me believe it.
I don’t want to be alone anymore. Deep down I think everyone wants to need someone and be needed by someone. She helped me find my place.
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